‘Flip the Switch’

Monologue | Aired Monday night on NBC: Last Friday was, of course, Black Friday. And if you had money in the stock market, today is Black Monday.

Stock market lost 679 points today. It’s not even a stock — that’s a flea market. That’s what it is now.

And this week, they will flip the switch on the White House Christmas tree, which has over 25,000 lights on it, one light for every CEO that’s looking for a bailout.

Well, here’s something kind of embarrassing for President Bush. This is true. This year, the White House Hanukkah cards they sent out had a Christmas tree on the front. And President Bush, very embarrassed by this. He said all the cards will be pulled and all of his Jewish friends will get a new card with a picture of the Hanukkah Bunny.

In political news, President-elect Barack Obama has named Hillary Clinton as his Secretary of State. Speaking strictly as a late night talk show host, a Clinton back in office? Yes!

Well, they said today during her confirmation hearings, Republicans could force Hillary Clinton to answer a lot of embarrassing questions about Bill Clinton’s financial affairs, to which Hillary said, “What kind of affairs? Financial? Oh, no problem. Bring it on.”

And right wing pundit Ann Coulter has broken her jaw, and the doctor has wired it shut. He didn’t wire it shut for medical reasons. He said it was the holidays, he wanted to do something nice for people.

And according to a new study in “Psychology and Health Journal,” being religious may help extend your life. That’s what they say — deeply religious live longer. In fact, they say some people in the Middle East, now living well into their ’30s.

Oh, speaking of religion, Barack Obama still has not chosen a church to attend in Washington, DC. How hard could it be for him to find a reverend? How hard is that?